A Generation ago Parents were very powerful figures, they knew everything about their child or Teen, but that has changed. Today's Parents can feel completely powerless and even more frustrating, feel that they know very little about their child. Today's children often treat what Parents say with contempt, the Parents word is often no longer adhered to and of no consequence.
The guidance once given to children by their Parents, has now been replaced by what their friends think, advice on relationships is something they discuss with each other and what they can gather online. The relationship between child and parent has changed in many ways, but some of the things they need have not changed.
Your Child or Teen will go to extreme lengths to tell you that they do not need your help, they may tell you to "butt out" and "it's my life", but contrary to the bravado, they still need their Parents help to get through what is becoming even more challenging than it was for our generation, reaching Adulthood. As Parents we have to remember that Teens struggle with their identity, they are at an awkward age stuck between Childhood and becoming a grown up, it is frustrating for them. Their frustration can often make them seem like an alien to us, we must learn to see through the behaviours and think what could be bothering them.
Guessing or presuming we know what is on their minds is not enough, we need to ask. This is critical, choosing the wrong moment will never work out. As Parents we need to create the the environment and space which will enable them to open up and talk. It's no use trying to talk to them when they are on their way out of the door or they are in a mood. Choosing our moment has to appear to be spontaneous, but has to have been well orchestrated in order to get the right result.
The greatest skill a parent needs is the ability to Listen, Parenting is deeply rooted in telling and giving out instructions, that notion is somewhat outdated. Listening will make you appear approachable and help your Teen to see you as an adversary instead of someone who is always telling them what to do. If you go about it in the right way and you can alter their perception of you, you will create a much more effective parent/child relationship.
Remember changing how your Child or Teen perceives you may take some time, so be realistic, this is a project and cannot be done overnight. Say less and Listen more.
Paul Parkin - Online Counsellor, Therapist & Life Coach
admin@counsellors-online.co.uk
http://www.counsellors-online.co.uk
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"
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